Pepe Jr. during an orgasm.

Chapter 17: Ok, lets do it!

Settle down my childe`, for you must have a clear mind in this moment of ultimate warfare stratagem. Get your troops ready at least 2 weeks before with some surprise training. Beach landings, hand to hand combat, and playing a lot of Survivor and Dio will get your army geared up for some action. Invest in a large table and a map of France with little pewter figurines to plan out the invasion. Make sure to use the coolest figurine to represent yourself. While you are planning, show the troops good old-fashioned war movies that show the glory of death in battle. Do not show any Vietnam movies or you will have trouble on your hands. If we go over this sample battle map here we can see a rough draft of a invasion plan. This is what I would do if I was invading France, but I'm not doing that until next year. Draw up your own plans if you think yours are better than mine, but if you had a better plan, I would be reading your how-to series, now wouldn't I?

Chapter 18: But what of the Sea! I don't know how to swim.

Invest in a pair of water wings. Also, you must name your ship, such as the SS Babytrain. Get the basic planning done first, food supplies for a month, ammo and gas, and porno mags so you don't get any hanky panky among the men on the ship. Next plan the route you plan to take across the Ocean. I recommend launching from Maine since it is almost a direct line across, and going north cuts down sea time. The week before you set sail you should load all the car/tanks, mopeds, mancopters, and gear onto the ship. Make sure you bring water, for the salt water of the ocean is not drinkable (as I learned on my trip to Cuba).

PEPE` JR's GOLDEN RULE #4-DON"T DRINK SALT WATER

You must be even sterner as captain of the ship for if the men sense any weakness, they will launch a mutiny. If any common whelp gives you any lip or spills hot tea on your groin, make him walk the plank. This will make the men respect the laws of the sea and they will fear and adore you. Buy a parrot. Every night at sea have a rally in the hull of the boat, making sure your troops are pumped up and not getting sailor sloth. Prepare for scurvy. While sailing the long journey across the ocean, it would be best to finalize your battle plans.

Chapter 19: There is so much to invade, what am I to do?

Before you launch your invasion you must Ally with Spain and have a back account in Switzerland. Sweet talk Spain into supporting the invasion from their border and helping them become a world power again. Tell them that it they help with France, you will help them take Portugal and unite the Iberian Peninsula. They will do anything to return to their brief glory at the time of the Spanish Armada. Switzerland is important for routing your plundered booty into. Since they are a neutral country, they make a perfect place to hide all the blood money. If in the end you cannot hold France, you can always abandon your troops, get the cash, and hide in Persia. Make sure your personal mancoptor has an extra gas tank.

Sail to the Mediterranean and anchor at Gibraltar. Deploy a few small platoons called Division Aztec that can go into Spain and help with the invasion of Portugal. This will not take too much of your troops and you be living up to your agreement with Spain. Next go to the island of Corsica where you can deploy about 200 infantry with rubber rafts called Division Piglet who will be heading up the invasion of the South of France. Give the job of general to your 2nd hand man, somebody competent that you trust. After leaving them on Corsica, it is time to sail to the English Channel where you will anchor off the south coast of England. Bribe an Englishman to let you deploy some troops on his beach. He will most likely think this is all ballyhoo and rubbish, but will except non-mad beef for payment. Send out all your land based vehicles into England. They will be called Division Tom Brokaw. The car/tanks, mopeds, and a few commandos who can take cabs should race along the roads to the Chunnel (Channel Tunnel), that links England and France by road. Remember to tell them to drive on the LEFT side of the road or you will most likely have some early causalities. Make sure they have the reasonable sum of 7 pounds per car to get in the Chunnel. Set off again whilst they are driving, and go to Le Harve. This will be the beach landing of your personal lead called Division Frolic. Ready the signal (the beepers that all your commanding officers have) when all units are at their failsafe points. Its time to spank the duck!

Chapter 20: This is it…kill, kill, kill!

That's right. Synchronized attack is very important, so make sure your cell phones have fresh batteries and the bill is paid. The lines of communication can make or break this attack. Signal the Spanish attack force waiting on the border, and Division Piglet in Corsica to start the invasion. The South of France is known for its rich, limp wristed folk so should be easy to overtake by force. Have the move as quickly as possible north. This will bring the bulk of the French army to them. Now they will dig in and go on the defense. It is time now to do the real invasion from the north.

Team Tom Brokaw should come out shooting from the Chunnel. The French customs agents will scramble. Have them move at a rapid pace towards Le Harve were they will attack the city and rondavu with your main force. You should do the beach landing soon after the Chunnel crossing, starting with a bombardment of the coast from your ship and a strike from your mancopter air battalion. Set fire to the city by air, and then have your landed troops swarm in and take it under the confusion. If the resistance is too great, wait for the car/tanks and mopeds to arrive. It should be no problem, for Le Harve is full of fishermen and lawyers. After the city is under submission and the mayor is tarred and feathered, loot all in sight and load it on the ship. This is insurance in case you have to retreat, for you would not want this to be a total loss. Don't forget the corn.

Division Piglet should hold a rugged defense, but if they start to get overrun, the Spanish flee, or the French air force start bombing them, have them retreat to the coast. This should be around the time of the Cannes Film Festival in the South of France and will create confusion. Once your North force meet up at Le Harve, split into 2 divisions halving the troops and air force between them, but keeping all the car tanks and mopeds in your main blitz battalion called Group Blitzo. Have the troop based division, Battalion Terrordeath, start marching towards Paris, attacking all towns on the way and setting fire behind them. Your main division will sweep to the left, cutting off the powerful 5th French tank regiment from supply lines. The French will now divert their forces north in reaction to your romping violence. This is when Division Piglet should link up with the Spanish and drive north once again.

This will put the French in a tough spot. All forces at this point are poised to snatch the jewel of France, Paris. You will have them surrounded on 3 sides with Terrordeath in the north, Blitzo tank force on the west, and the Spanish and Piglet on the south. The only escape for the armies of Paris is towards Germany, yet they won't do that. They may try to force through Division Terrordeath and flee into Belgium. If they do this then yield and move into Paris. Once the capital is taken, the French war is over and the REAL war can start!

First, dispose of the Spanish troops by surprise and move all your forces into Spain with a strong regiment guarding Paris. They will not expect this backstab since they are the ones usually backstabbing. Team Aztec in Portugal will lead a popular revolution and move into Madrid. Now, kill all the teachers and doctors so…

Chapter 21: What are you doing? The invasion of France is over. I don't want to attack Spain!

Shuttup! Once Spain is beaten easily, and French troops are drafted to your cause (they will volunteer when they see your progress!) make 4 large forces each with tank and air divisions. Division Sand Monkey will deploy from Spain into North Africa where it will take over the entire coast to Egypt. Division Zulu will board the SS Babytrain and invade Ireland, using it as a stopping point for the main invasion of England. Division Pope will march down the Italian peninsula and into Rome where the Pope will be kidnapped as a spoil of war. The northern Division Loot Loot will drive through Belgium and Holland. After, Pope and Loot Loot will link up and destroy Germany and Austria, stop in Poland for tea, and drive strait for Moscow. Avoid the Margiont Line. Walls and bunkers should be built, order maintained, churches burnt, large industry for the planned mass invasions of America and China. Drive all nonconformists into the ground, destroy all…

Chapter 22: NO! That's it, I'm out. Invading France is one thing, but world domination is just plain crazy!

Forget the whole thing. I can't believe I even considered it! You pissy little bitch! Don't back out on me now you pantsywaste scrubnut! You are worthless scum and the only way you will ever gain any respect is going through with this! Get off your spotty bum and start again from chapter one! Faggot.